Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
