just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
