I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
