Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
