Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
my poor anus
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
