You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
