I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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