Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
