I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize