I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
