you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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