What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
