A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I forget how to act sober
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
