i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
