Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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