so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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