I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
