On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
