come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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