yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
sarcasm needs its own font
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
