Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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