Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize