Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
