blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
