I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
