ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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