I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
