hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
