Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
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