just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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