Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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