my vag is so smooth its legendary
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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