I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
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