I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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