I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
