Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
