well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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