So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
