Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
