even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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