Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
