Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
A+ Viking dick
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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