He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize