I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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