Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
