There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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