Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
