Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
