Screwed.edu
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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