Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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