You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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