Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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