i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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