Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
