I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
