Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you would pick up someone in the library
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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