oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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