Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
